Feelings, Options, and Perseverance
Our journey to getting pregnant was not an easy one. I went through so many emotions: depression, anger, sadness, feelings of helplessness... Not knowing whether any of the drugs would work, or if I would be able to carry a child if they did, was hard to cope with. Luckily I didn't have to go through it alone. Tim was there for me every step of the way, going through a lot of the same emotions and attending all my appointments with me. I don't think he can understand quite what it was like to be the "broken" one and have to physically endure the drugs and ultrasounds, but he did his best to comfort me as best he could, and he was much better at maintaining a positive, hopeful attitude than I was. When I felt like I needed a break from the monthly routine of drugs, ultrasound, and bad news, he gave me the strength to continue. I'm also thankful that I had my mom, sister, and a couple of my best friends to listen to me whenever I wanted to talk about it and for the blogs of women I had never met, whose stories gave me hope and strength.
While we were going through the failed cycles of drugs, we explored all the options we had. Other than drugs, there were hormone shots to try and in vitro fertilization. We also looked into surrogacy and adoption. I think had the drugs not worked, we would have tried the hormone shots, in vitro, and then adoption, although we may have skipped in vitro. In vitro sounds so stressful, and it is expensive. We could spend $10-15,000 on a cycle, and the chance of getting pregnant is only 30-35% per cycle. Better than the 20-25% chance per cycle of the average healthy and fertile couple, but we only would have been able to afford one cycle. Adoption is even more expensive and can take a long time. It was helpful for me to explore the options, and to know that no matter what it took, we would have a child. It also reminded me that it was worth it to continue trying the drugs, as this option was nearly free as it is covered by our insurance, and would only take a few more months to determine if the drugs were going to work. It was hard to be patient, but I'm glad we stuck with it!
Tim and I want at least one more child. I am expecting that next time our journey won't be nearly as hard since we know that there are drugs that will work for me, my eggs are good, and I can carry a child, all unknowns to us this time last year. We will also have our Olivia as a daily reminder that no matter how difficult it is, it will be worth it.
I know that it isn't my fault that I have PCOS. We have to do our best with the cards we are dealt, whether it's a fair hand or not. I wish that getting pregnant were as simple as I had always imagined, but for some that's just not the case, so I am thankful for the doctors, the technology, and the drugs that are available to help. We are lucky that the drugs did work for us. We are lucky that once the drugs worked, we got pregnant on our own the first month. We are lucky that I since I became pregnant, our baby girl has been growing and getting stronger every day. I know that while our journey was hard and trying, some people aren't as lucky as we are. I am so thankful for the little life growing inside me. Grateful, thankful, overjoyed. Tim and I are stronger, as a couple and as individuals, after enduring our struggles with infertility and we will love our child with every ounce of our beings and will never take the gift we have been given for granted.
~Kaylee
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